Enso

The Enso is a zen symbol in buddhism. While it translates to many things it's meaning is unity. It represents absolute enlightenment, strength, elegance, the universe and mu. We are all interconnected in this life. All things we create or manifest affect each other and the world around us. Our world can be made positive or negative based upon how we interact with it. 

Circumstances change but life does not. It's a never-ending cycle that continues. Suffering is something we bring upon ourselves. Unlike karma, we do not deserve to suffer. It is needless. We all experience pain or unhappiness but they are not places to dwell in. Karma is something that we bring upon ourselves. Good or bad you get the energy you put out. And if you didn't deserve it you most definitely need to learn from the situation. 

I've spent some time upset in my life, who hasn't right?  In fact about a week ago I was a bit wounded. I confided in someone I really liked alot and thought was someone who was a friend. Well, he used my confession to hurt me. Did I cry? You know, all I will tell you is that I was hurt by his actions. 

Yes although I am a buddhist I get hurt. In fact, I cry, get angry and have my heart broken too. In addition to falling in love, having lustful or loving sex and drinking alcohol or eating meat, buddhists get upset too. The only solace I find from Buddhism is realizing that the core of my suffering is a choice and how to transform it quickly. It is through understanding that my present state is not permanent that I am able to control my emotional center. I'm not a vulcan, but I am more open to express myself because of my spirituality. As always the important thing is knowing why I am upset. 

As a buddhist and a human being, my perspective continues to change and I tend to let the hurtful actions of others go. It is the patience to accept that people are not infallible. And I realize it isn't about me when others act out. It is about them. People will let us down because they are selfish creatures motivated by their own desires. My judgement fails me quite a bit but I am human and I accept that life and love are uncertain.  

Things happen so we can move along toward the right things. Sometimes not getting what you want is good luck. So when the guy who broke your heart keeps trying to hurt you again, the new guy you meet and like turns out to use your words against you or the man you are completely infatuated with and adore has a girlfriend... perhaps it means there is someone else you hadn't considered yet or met. If the dream job you were hoping and counting on falls through when someone steals your clientele, try to keep faith that there's a better opportunity waiting. It may not seem like good fortune but the universe has other plans for you and I'm not simply justifying things to feel better. 

I truly try to put wonderful energy back into the universe to right the wrongs. I won't pretend to be anything I'm not so people will or won't like me. I'm not slighting anyone's pain or journey. I am on my own path and pay no mind to other's journey. If we are meant to be in another's path we will. There's no need to force it. Life continues to bring the right people and opportunities into my life and yours without us having to force them. And it will also draw the wrong things into our life as well for us to process and cope with and overcome so we can learn. It's the way of the universe. 

Be mindful of what you put into the universe. It will return to you when you least it expect it to. And remember it's ok to be upset or disappointed... just don't live in your suffering or try to make others suffer. Karma will always take care of  those who deliberately are cruel... It's hard to believe anyone would do it deliberately but the solace I have is that I don't have to behave badly back. I can have patience and love everyone anyway. Everyone is learning too. Love yourself dolls and kens and know that this doll has love and compassion for you no matter what. :)

Here's small piece about jealousy. I wrote it last year when a guy I know had a paramour who was a bit jealous of my interaction with him. At the time I came to realize it's wasn't his fault or mine and let it go.

Do you suffer? Do you try to cause others to suffer? Or get jealous? Hmm... It's never too late to do things differently with people even if they are new people or the same ones you already know.

Enjoy!
Kisses, m. 

Calm

(8-6-2014)

calm

his lips curl into a smile

he says nothing

I’m calm

Alone and reflecting

The scent of his skin remains in my mind

When he’s away

a moment of closeness between us

races my heart

but I appear calm

look at the sky

look at the ground

hold the breath before I release the smoke

there’s nothing like his touch

words I can’t find the courage to say

I fake my calm

Inhale and exhale

Building my bravery

But he doesn’t notice

reclining back he takes a drag of a cig

I want to ask for one but don’t

Stay calm

I don’t know that I look

into anyone’s face

the way I look into his

Electric eyes they make my pulse speed

He smiles when I stare too long

Be calm.

Words he says drift away quiet

The stillness of his stare wanders

My forehead then my hair

he pushes away from my touch

he looks away at another's face

I behave calm.

There's only din in my mind

Fury in my hands

He dismisses me

Smile when he’s looking

Smoke a quick cig when I’m alone

Pretend to be calm

It’s not my age

I’m old enough yet.

A girl and yet a woman

He wants to be with her

Older, sophisticated 

I’m anything but calm

She’s everything to me

A version of life

I’ll never be

He smiles and waves at her

She looks happy to see him

Calm down

He leaves me to talk to her

Their words overlap

Few but enough

I want to rip out her brown hair

Her smile matches his face

Calmness evades me

She’s letting him go

I’m watching her stand alone

Smiles looked intimate

Her voice is quiet but she watches him

Never going over to press further

Calm

Karma

Karma is the belief that what you put out into the universe will come back. And know that it returns when you are least certain of it. 

I've spent the last 24 of the last 36 hours upset. A lot. Yes people practicing buddhism cry, get upset and heartbroken too. We also fall in love, we have sex in lust or in love, drink a beer or wine and get angry too. The only good thing about living by principles of Buddhism is realizing the core of your suffering and how to transform it quickly. I'm not inhuman because of spirituality. I'm in fact freer to express myself with the understanding that this feeling is not permanent. You control what you feel. So why was I upset? I changed. My perception did. My illusion of something or someone is changed. I finally let it fall away. You see how we perceive things is our illusion. You don't trust, love or believe in anything or anyone but yourself. You trust, love and believe in your idea of things and people and place faith in it. When that idea changes it upsets us. Love is an illusion and so is trust. When you learn to have the patience to accept that people will let you down then you are free. I am free besides gravity. Though often my judgment fails me :)

Love and life are uncertain and you must accept that. Like it or not things happen or change so you can move toward something else. "Sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck," says the Dalai Lama. The job you want goes to someone else not because you weren't the best version of you. At the time maybe someone was a more appropriate candidate. The job went to the other candidate because maybe you are a more qualified fit elsewhere or a better opportunity awaits you elsewhere. The guy you like and find yourself infatuated with meets and falls in love with another girl or another guy breaks things off with you for no reason. You are still a beautiful woman and another man will see things that the other guys did not when they were with you. When you pass by or overlook seeing a friend in traffic one day and then see them another day it isn't personal. It could be perhaps due to your needing to meet someone new in traffic that day you missed them. It's not a slight to your friend who you adore. The universe simply had another plan for him and you that day. 

It doesn't seem lucky does it. It seems like justifying bummers. Look, I could give you more buddhism answers but I've come to find that things work out how they need to for our benefit or for the lesson we need to learn. The universe does not make mistakes. It is Karma. The balance of things we release come back to our lives. These things shatter our illusions of how we think things should be. Our judgement fails us. Even if it is a bummer.

For example, I used to be a bad person with a bad heart who reacted badly to things; I used to use my darker emotions to write about things when I felt wronged. While I am writing again, I won't do that now, I'm simply not doing that. .  Now I knew that the universal balance would someday restore the energy I had given out. I accepted this. So the last few months have brought me face to face with my own karmic retribution. No, make no mistake, it is a painful experience. You simply do the best you can in these matters.  I must take in this experience this in order to be greater than I am and have a capacity to grow. Understand it is amazing to re-live similar experiences and have the capacity to keep going being the path I am on. 

Life will continue to bring the right people and things into my life and yours without us having to force them. And it will also draw the wrong things into our life as well for us to process and cope with and overcome so we can learn to be better people. It's the law of the universe. Here's why...

Later you find that the man who got the job has been downsized in 6 months while you are happy and more successful elsewhere. The men who rejected or passed you by are heartbroken over their new love rather quickly while you perhaps are smitten with a new fellow or simply happy on your own or the timing has brought you to a reconciliation with one of them. And the new friend you meet on that uneventful day could be an important friend that you are excited to introduce to your old friend at a later time. Life is what it is. Let it happen.

Here's a story about jealousy. Personally I don't like jealousy or think much of others that try to incite it. You don't love yourself or anyone when you use jealousy or behave jealously. I couldn't tell you what it feels like as I tend to feel hurt and disappointment by matters of the heart that don't go in my favor or by people that try to manipulate me. It doesn't mean you care less if you don't behave badly or react. You can care a lot but if things were truly meant to be in work, life or love then they would be that way. A friend of mine once told me that causing others to be jealous or being jealous was like stabbing yourself in the gut. It doesn't serve anyone in the end and it only hurts the person causing or reacting to it. I suppose I believe him. It was why I wrote this this story the way I did. 

Be mindful of what you put into the universe. It will return to you when you least it expect it to. And remember it's ok to be upset or disappointed... just don't live in that feeling or try to hurt others. Karma will take care of the people that deliberately wronged you.. Anyone is a jackass for doing it deliberately but you don't have to be. The ones that didn't mean to hurt you don't deserve punishment. Have patience and love them anyway. They are learning too. Love yourself dolls and kens and know that this doll has love and compassion for you. :)

Do you believe in Karma? Are you jealous? Or are you happy for others? Do you try to cause others to get jealous? Hmm... It's never too late to do things differently with people even if they are new people or the same ones you already know.

Enjoy!
Kisses, m. 

Green-eyed

(3-20-2011)

“You have the loveliest green eyes.” is what I always used to tell him the same as I'm telling him now.

But it’s too late for all that.

His blood stained hands grip my face tightly. I need him to make me understand why he did it and I’m not even sure I know what happened.

It happened in a flash. Faster than I could count to ten. His own actions moving faster than I could think. All I can remember is what I was doing before…

There he was. Three feet away from me standing under the grey oak while I was talking with another man and all I can remember is how hard it was to breathe. It’s not the first time, but I’m certain there shouldn’t be another time.

I can hear his heartbeat as clear as any sound. The feeling of his pulse beats in his veins beneath the touch of my fingers. As his hands struggle to touch mine his breath edges out three more syllables. “I love you.” And he pulls closer to say another four that contradict those same three. “But I hate you.”

There’s no rhyme or reason when it comes to love. A man will tell you he loves you and then take it away in the same breath of words. You can’t control that.

It wasn’t me, he wanted to hurt. It was the other guy. The one whose fault it is. At least that’s the lie he keeps telling me. When he doesn’t matter at all.

Somewhere in my head the moment it all came down replays like a broken record that’s happened to somebody else. But it didn’t. It’s happened to him. And I’m the reason for it.

Three feet pass by like a wave of nothing. Hands move and fly toward my screaming voice that never stops when I’m looking at him. Between the screaming and waving hands that irrelevant person it’s not about disappears without leaving.

When it happens there’s no one between us. In goes the knife in the middle of our argument. The pain feels loud but there’s no more screaming after it goes in. Down he falls as the knife slices deeper into his gut. As I hold his guilty hands, I still think of how hard it is to breathe.

He wanted to hurt me but he wounded himself instead. That’s the thing though, jealously will get you nowhere.