Even

“Getting Even With Words And Actions Or How I Became A Buddhist” might be a funny book title if it wasn’t true. I have a scathing temper, I can be emotional on occasion with hint of confrontational and I will fuck with you if you start with me. It’s who I am. I do like to win. But I don’t always. I will say I don’t want to fight but realize, I am waiting for the other person to throw the first metaphorical punch so I can get even or have some fun. And sometimes I just walk away. Actually most of the time nowadays... I walk away. No one is worth it. If you think I am writing this advocating my past actions or challenging you to pick fights... you missed the point. 

It’s amazing… but I wouldn’t be who I am without one of the best people in the world for sparring with. He’s not what you’d call my friend but by far the best chess/poker player of life that I’ve never met.  You’re wondering if someone taught me to be a sociopath? Not exactly. But I wasn’t always this way and I’m not 100% confident. Hint: I just don’t think about it. 

Fight Club teaches you to fight, mental sparring teaches you to be sharp, rely on your intellect and wits while striving to get the upper hand with someone. You are never in control except for yourself. Your reaction to your adversary is everything. He will not stop until you stop. Your weakness is your enemy. I used to cry a lot thinking how mean my friend was. Then I realized I started it, I could quit playing any time I wanted and give up. But I didn’t.

I used to wonder why he did this. What lesson could I have learned? Well I have a higher regard for myself this includes a thicker skin, I don’t cry over the mean shit people do, I trust myself, and I always try new things without backing down. Ultimately I knew if I wanted to be successful, his cruelty would be nothing in comparison to the critics and fans out there. And he was right in being cruel to me. I could tell you the mean things we’d do against each other but you would say that’s fucked. Yes, but it produced a lot of work. It made me a stronger writer, a curious photographer and pushes me to know I’ll never be better unless I push myself by investing, believing and trusting in my own abilities. 

When I first started writing and posting my work it was the most horrifying thing I’d ever done. People used to attack me personally, copy, duplicate and change their life around my words. I disabled the comments and likes on all my posts a long time back. Which is why randomly someone will leave a comment and I will approve or delete them. Beware of people that are only kind though. Your true friends will always criticize what they see and inquire if it can be more. It keeps you sharp to see it through someone’s eyes beside your own. It’s not an attack and should never be seen as one. Too much undeserved kindness can create a sense of laziness. I’d rather take the truth to heart than the lie. 

Being a writer is like cutting open a vein and bleeding out. I won’t say being an artist is the same. Personally I don’t feel the same about dresses, interior drawings or sculptures. Even photography is different. I can’t even compare it to anything before. But in writing you are taking from yourself to produce something else that isn’t you but it’s a part of you. Writing makes me nuts and I hate not feeling like myself. So I wonder why others want to be the words. It’s a little off putting. I used to drown in the emotions of it. Even with sparring, nothing could prepare me for how people would take things or read things. Until I stopped about three years ago… I wrote 8 scripts and I burned them all. That was beyond any level of self destruction I could have done so I walked away and spent a year getting even with people… Year of the Dragon. 

Getting even with people is a lot like Fight Club. Nothing can prepare you for the sheer liberation of returning someone’s unkindness in the same manner they did to you. It’s wrong, awful and people will think you are an asshole. I can’t say more. I’d recommend it, that’s why. Sparring didn’t make sense without application. What’s the point of Kung Fu without a fight?  Exactly. 

I lost about three friends who I really thought were my close friends. They couldn’t handle the mirror of their own behavior so it shattered our friendship. I miss them but I don’t feel bad for standing up for myself. I spent about three months after the last one left looking for answers. I fought consuming battles twice more with people before my favorite orchid died. When the orchid died came the nightmares, vegetarianism and soon after a renewed interest in Buddhism.  It’s funny that the life of one organism can change you but it can. And sometimes it’s a person or a situation that needs us to rise to it. Everyone has a different path but the basic thing is that we are all lessons & teachers to each other. All life has a valuable lesson. You get it or you don’t. But you will repeat it. 

So what did you learn today? Do you like me sharing my life more? I miss the dreamhouses and will share more about changing that later as well. Times they are a changin!

Enjoy living, loving and breathing!

Kisses, m.