Karma

Karma is the belief that what you put out into the universe will come back. And know that it returns when you are least certain of it. 

I've spent the last 24 of the last 36 hours upset. A lot. Yes people practicing buddhism cry, get upset and heartbroken too. We also fall in love, we have sex in lust or in love, drink a beer or wine and get angry too. The only good thing about living by principles of Buddhism is realizing the core of your suffering and how to transform it quickly. I'm not inhuman because of spirituality. I'm in fact freer to express myself with the understanding that this feeling is not permanent. You control what you feel. So why was I upset? I changed. My perception did. My illusion of something or someone is changed. I finally let it fall away. You see how we perceive things is our illusion. You don't trust, love or believe in anything or anyone but yourself. You trust, love and believe in your idea of things and people and place faith in it. When that idea changes it upsets us. Love is an illusion and so is trust. When you learn to have the patience to accept that people will let you down then you are free. I am free besides gravity. Though often my judgment fails me :)

Love and life are uncertain and you must accept that. Like it or not things happen or change so you can move toward something else. "Sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck," says the Dalai Lama. The job you want goes to someone else not because you weren't the best version of you. At the time maybe someone was a more appropriate candidate. The job went to the other candidate because maybe you are a more qualified fit elsewhere or a better opportunity awaits you elsewhere. The guy you like and find yourself infatuated with meets and falls in love with another girl or another guy breaks things off with you for no reason. You are still a beautiful woman and another man will see things that the other guys did not when they were with you. When you pass by or overlook seeing a friend in traffic one day and then see them another day it isn't personal. It could be perhaps due to your needing to meet someone new in traffic that day you missed them. It's not a slight to your friend who you adore. The universe simply had another plan for him and you that day. 

It doesn't seem lucky does it. It seems like justifying bummers. Look, I could give you more buddhism answers but I've come to find that things work out how they need to for our benefit or for the lesson we need to learn. The universe does not make mistakes. It is Karma. The balance of things we release come back to our lives. These things shatter our illusions of how we think things should be. Our judgement fails us. Even if it is a bummer.

For example, I used to be a bad person with a bad heart who reacted badly to things; I used to use my darker emotions to write about things when I felt wronged. While I am writing again, I won't do that now, I'm simply not doing that. .  Now I knew that the universal balance would someday restore the energy I had given out. I accepted this. So the last few months have brought me face to face with my own karmic retribution. No, make no mistake, it is a painful experience. You simply do the best you can in these matters.  I must take in this experience this in order to be greater than I am and have a capacity to grow. Understand it is amazing to re-live similar experiences and have the capacity to keep going being the path I am on. 

Life will continue to bring the right people and things into my life and yours without us having to force them. And it will also draw the wrong things into our life as well for us to process and cope with and overcome so we can learn to be better people. It's the law of the universe. Here's why...

Later you find that the man who got the job has been downsized in 6 months while you are happy and more successful elsewhere. The men who rejected or passed you by are heartbroken over their new love rather quickly while you perhaps are smitten with a new fellow or simply happy on your own or the timing has brought you to a reconciliation with one of them. And the new friend you meet on that uneventful day could be an important friend that you are excited to introduce to your old friend at a later time. Life is what it is. Let it happen.

Here's a story about jealousy. Personally I don't like jealousy or think much of others that try to incite it. You don't love yourself or anyone when you use jealousy or behave jealously. I couldn't tell you what it feels like as I tend to feel hurt and disappointment by matters of the heart that don't go in my favor or by people that try to manipulate me. It doesn't mean you care less if you don't behave badly or react. You can care a lot but if things were truly meant to be in work, life or love then they would be that way. A friend of mine once told me that causing others to be jealous or being jealous was like stabbing yourself in the gut. It doesn't serve anyone in the end and it only hurts the person causing or reacting to it. I suppose I believe him. It was why I wrote this this story the way I did. 

Be mindful of what you put into the universe. It will return to you when you least it expect it to. And remember it's ok to be upset or disappointed... just don't live in that feeling or try to hurt others. Karma will take care of the people that deliberately wronged you.. Anyone is a jackass for doing it deliberately but you don't have to be. The ones that didn't mean to hurt you don't deserve punishment. Have patience and love them anyway. They are learning too. Love yourself dolls and kens and know that this doll has love and compassion for you. :)

Do you believe in Karma? Are you jealous? Or are you happy for others? Do you try to cause others to get jealous? Hmm... It's never too late to do things differently with people even if they are new people or the same ones you already know.

Enjoy!
Kisses, m. 

Green-eyed

(3-20-2011)

“You have the loveliest green eyes.” is what I always used to tell him the same as I'm telling him now.

But it’s too late for all that.

His blood stained hands grip my face tightly. I need him to make me understand why he did it and I’m not even sure I know what happened.

It happened in a flash. Faster than I could count to ten. His own actions moving faster than I could think. All I can remember is what I was doing before…

There he was. Three feet away from me standing under the grey oak while I was talking with another man and all I can remember is how hard it was to breathe. It’s not the first time, but I’m certain there shouldn’t be another time.

I can hear his heartbeat as clear as any sound. The feeling of his pulse beats in his veins beneath the touch of my fingers. As his hands struggle to touch mine his breath edges out three more syllables. “I love you.” And he pulls closer to say another four that contradict those same three. “But I hate you.”

There’s no rhyme or reason when it comes to love. A man will tell you he loves you and then take it away in the same breath of words. You can’t control that.

It wasn’t me, he wanted to hurt. It was the other guy. The one whose fault it is. At least that’s the lie he keeps telling me. When he doesn’t matter at all.

Somewhere in my head the moment it all came down replays like a broken record that’s happened to somebody else. But it didn’t. It’s happened to him. And I’m the reason for it.

Three feet pass by like a wave of nothing. Hands move and fly toward my screaming voice that never stops when I’m looking at him. Between the screaming and waving hands that irrelevant person it’s not about disappears without leaving.

When it happens there’s no one between us. In goes the knife in the middle of our argument. The pain feels loud but there’s no more screaming after it goes in. Down he falls as the knife slices deeper into his gut. As I hold his guilty hands, I still think of how hard it is to breathe.

He wanted to hurt me but he wounded himself instead. That’s the thing though, jealously will get you nowhere.