Kisses, m.
Drugs in my body.
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| Downtown drugs. December 2012. |
Drugs in my body.
It’s been three days and you haven’t been here.
It’s 11 at night. 11:13 burned in red screaming out from the black. Where did you go? Look around and you’re not here. There’s a stranger looking at me in the mirror. It’s time to head out. Maybe I’ll find you through distraction. Grab the bottle and take a couple for the road. Did you call a cab for me? Wait. You’re gone. Wayne isn’t going to mind the noise from the cab. Oh, he’s already waiting. Grab my coat. Let’s go.
Downtown.
It’s 8am. There are still a dozen places to go. People are everything right now. Standing on the wall. Touching my waist when I pass. Grabbing at my body. A woman just walked up and kissed me outside of the Zebra last night. Still can’t hear you. I’m pretty sure I locked up last night. Alex is with me now. He wants breakfast. I’m not hungry. I keep telling him I need to go back to the house. I’m out. If I dry up I’ll never find you. When are you coming back? I’m out of this head when you’re not around.
Alex says he knows a guy that can keep me HYDRATED and that I should forget about going home. It’s time to get breakfast. We’re standing next to the guy that sells flowers for nickels or trades them for oranges. Alex is eating an orange and telling me to hold his flowers. I’m almost completely dry. Something about this feels like you. Were you here before me? I’m catching up now. The man selling the flowers puts a cigarette in my mouth and lights it. Alex is laughing. Alex is kissing him. There’s music. We’re dancing on the street corner. It’s 9am.
Still downtown.
The cab put us out in the middle of midday traffic. It’s Alex’s fault. The cab driver didn’t agree that oral sex would pay the fare. Even I said that before we hailed it. We’re out on the avenue ten blocks from where it’s wet, but seventeen blocks away from the oranges now. Dryer. You’re close though. I’m leaving here. Alex says to wait and catches up. There’s a place we can go. I’m waiting. He says it’s around the corner.
The alley isn’t long enough. Seems like a hallway or closet. It’s a liar pretending to be something it’s not. But that doesn’t matter anymore. I’m wet. Messy. Back in pursuit. I almost lost it for a minute there. Alex came through. I’m not going to stop for the next day. Maybe you’re already there. Living in tomorrow. Dancing in the dream that hasn’t happened yet. I need another one. I can feel…
Alex is gone. He says to swing by Zebra or Defiance if I wanna hit the party later. It’s 2pm. Why do I bother with this watch? You like this watch. It would hurt if I lost it. I’m waiting on a park bench with this watch that you love thinking of breaking it out of spite.
Downtown Driving.
Gina is waving to me from across the street. She has an Escalade. Wayne sent Gina to drive me around. Did you call Wayne? You didn’t tell me you were stopping in. I missed you. This is a nice car and Gina is very nice. Except Gina doesn’t really know me. Not like Wayne and Alex. I’ve never met Gina but she knows you very well. Gina smiles a lot. Gina talks a lot. Tells me about where we are going.
The escalade takes a sharp left at the next intersection and continues. I ask her why she should take this sort of job from Wayne. She says that this is what her job for Wayne is. I ask her if driving strange men around is really a profession that one aspires for. Gina has a giggle. Some girls have a laugh. Gina giggles before explaining that her job requires her to assist Wayne. She says sometimes that means driving around strange men then half giggles. I ask if this comes with stock options and a title. Gina has a laugh now and hands me a business card.
The traffic stops for an accident. The escalade stops. I want a drink. Gina pops opens a compartment and hands me a bottle. I take a hit and drink of bottled Perrier. The car is amazing. Cold bottled water appears from the dash on command. I’m holding her business card like it’s a cigarette; Rolled up and sandwiched in between my fingers. Wayne calls her his personal liaison. I tell her I’m convinced this means she washes his clothes and books his appointments with hookers. Gina giggles. Gina likes it when I make fun of her job. I’m done making fun. I need another hit.
The Four Seasons
Gina takes me to the Four Seasons. She has an appointment with a client and I’m having drinks with Wayne at 5:30. It’s only 4:15pm. You aren’t at the Four Seasons. You don’t like hotel bars. I’m the opposite of dry. What trouble can I find?
The ladies locker room isn’t where I should be. So I’m leaving even though she asks me to stay. Who? Someone. She follows me. Smiles and says come back to my room. It’s 4:25. I’ve got time. I need another hit.
It’s 5:15. The maids’ pantry is stocked with a thousand tiny little chocolate mints. There’s a closet full of those tiny mini bar liquors that is now missing thirty eight tiny bottles of Stoli Vodka. Mint Chocolate and Vodka sounds like an amazing new flavor for ice cream. You would love that. Why don’t they put alcohol in ice cream? I’ll ask Wayne. He makes things happen. My bottles clink clank while I walk across the empty lobby.
I’m at the hotel bar. Wayne is here early. I’m beyond soaked. I show him my new dance that produces three little bottles from the bottom of my left pant leg. Wayne thinks it’s funny and asks me about Gina. I say client with inappropriate finger quotes. Wayne shakes his head and smacks me on the shoulder. I share about the party invite from Alex. Wayne looks at his watch, nods and tells me to order a drink. I forget about Stoli and Chocolate Mint Ice Cream… before I forget about you.
Frank’s Place.
Frank is a business associate of Wayne and Alex. Frank has an amazing waterfall in his living room. The bottom of the falls is covered by tiny bullets of red and whites, green and blues, yellow and purples. An arsenal of pure intoxication. Frank says help yourself. I’m already packed, but I’ll take a few more for the road please.
You’re not at Frank’s. I can’t help it but I’m not looking anymore. There’s no mirrors here to remind me of strangers. I’m the life of the party. Dancing in a waterfall of color and light amid a sea of girls in white cat-suits. Wayne says Frank loves to throw parties. I don’t know what time it is. The watch is broken. Water.
Driving Downtown.
Gina came to Frank’s. Wayne says it’s 10:20pm. I say where did the time go? Wayne says that Technicolor waterfall held me hostage for three hours. Wayne tells me there were no girls and that Frank wasn’t having that kind of party. Gina smiles and tells me I was still the life of the party. I laugh.
Wayne tells Gina to head over to Spiral. She makes a left and a right quickly before flipping a bitch amid traffic. I need a hit. Wayne looks over his shoulder as I’m pulling at my coat pockets. There’s only three mints and a tiny bottle of Stoli. Wayne laughs and waves my bottle of skittles. I tell Wayne to fuck himself and give it back. Gina says I should wait until Spiral. Spiral is a party on a boat that never sinks. I want my candy. Gina says we should arrive in 5-4-3-2-1. Give me the bottle.
Spiral.
Alex is at Spiral. Somewhere aboard this boat. Wayne is gone to check our coats. Wayne is gone with my bottle. Mirrors everywhere. You are close again. You’re in the familiar shadows that disappear around corners. I can never find you. I feel sick. The club rocks with the uneasiness of the movement all around.
Alex finds me in the corner talking to you but you’re not there. Just a thousand strangers reflecting back. Alex says the boat is leaving. I laugh and tell him this boat isn’t for sailing. We leave anyway. Wayne is throwing up in the parking lot next to the car. Gina looks like she fell in the water. She is still smiling. Happy Gina. Pretty girl. Alex hands me back my bottle. Wayne realizes that he left my jacket in the check.
Zebra.
I’m in a corner booth sitting next to Andy Warhol. It isn’t really Andy though. Andy is dead. This guy says he’s Andy though. Real cool cat. He even looks like Andy but with red hair and dark skin. I know you would find the humor in that bit if you were here. When will you be surfacing? Gina is drinking a Midori and dancing on a chair while Wayne lifts up her dress. Alex has decided that imitation Andy is his soul mate. Why am I at this party? I’m waiting for you. Drying up.
There’s a mirror. That’s not a stranger. You’re here. You’re dancing now. Come closer and talk. It’s been four days. Maybe we should talk. No more distractions. Let’s go home. I’ll fix something. You can be in control. I’m ready to be dry. Stop dancing. Now.
The bottle. Don’t eat the candy. I’m tired.
Out in the street.
Walking. More candy. More Stoli. But at least you’re here. We agree and there’s no place like home. Alex and Andy are walking behind us. The world spins madly. You want to know about the watch cause it’s late and there’s no way to tell time. You keep interrogating me about our jacket cause you’re cold. I’m not cold. I honestly don’t care what time it is. Maybe I’ll take a hit of red and put you back in your cage. Why don’t I then? I’m tired. Why don’t you take control? Quit hiding in there if you don’t like what happens when you’re gone.
Standing in front of a store filled with paint cans of every color. I can see you in the reflection. Still mad about the jacket? Look what I did to our hair. Andy Imposter laughs like a donkey when I talk to you. Alex tells him that it’s ok and this is how we are. I don’t want to go home with you. Crawl back in or take over. Alex has a bump left. I’m taking it. Deal with it. Junkie? Go away or hold the fort while I disappear inward for a while.
Defiance.
Wayne says Defiance is where people come for sex and candy. Alex and Andy haven’t left the bathroom for an hour. Check one. There’s a mirror behind the bar. No stranger danger. Quiet. You’re still mad, but coming around. Even you have to admit you enjoyed that line. Let’s have some fun. There’s a nice smoking bar and there’s a man with candy in the back. Check two. Why do you care what time it is? Let’s get wet. Jump in the pool.
Alex says it’s 4am. Andy says it’s 5am. I don’t care. I say let’s find Wayne.
Apartment K.
Wayne is sleeping on the floor by the sofa-like chair thing that you bought last month. Alex is smoking in the bathroom while Gina takes a piss. I’m spent and resting on your favorite chair. Alex tells me that you spilled all the candy in the street this morning. I say to him that’s wonderful. Gina hasn’t giggled yet. According to the watch that Alex stole from Wayne it’s 10am. I ask Gina to take Alex home. Alex says he prefers to walk. There’s a stranger in the mirror. I don’t know where you went. Maybe you’re still in the streets? I’m ready to leave. Come out come out wherever you are. I can hear you. You know the score.
Five days and you haven’t really been here.
Other Chapters
* Lines
* Swallow
* 5am
* Mirrors
* Caught
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