Contemplating life.

Contemplating life. Ever wonder if there is more? Or have you finally found it? If you have then that should be enough. Hold on to it. Anyone who hasn't should keep looking. I know that I am. Trying different things is the best way to do that. And there is only one way to live right: that is according to your own terms. Know yourself and keep learning about you. Learning should never stop. Living with life as your lesson plan. 

Negativity is Static. The noise will always be there. Love for yourself is the same. It should remain firm. Always. A person who has no love for their fellow human has no love themselves. There is no love when you attack another person. No matter how much you lie to yourself or try to believe you are above them for doing it. There is No love and No beauty in an attack. Even if it is for their own good. There is a better way of reminding someone of their potential. Attacks only hinder that message and make you appear worse for it. Please continue to be a better person. Never succumb to being a monster that attacks to get someone to see things your way. Instead be the monster that is changing the world positively in their own way. Or simply be the amazing person who you were meant to be. Keep practicing what you preach. Continue to lead by example without digression.

I recently read an article about Gandhi and a Hindu man. I'll paraphrase so that you may read the article at your own convenience. You see, the man was adamant that he help Gandhi as he couldn't save himself from Hell. His actions killed a Muslim child out of pure bigotry. And the man swore that he was going to hell without salvation. Gandhi told the man that he could tell him how to get out of hell. To atone for his crime, he told the man to raise a child whose parents had been killed as if the child were his own and teach him the religion of his enemy. 

So if you could change what destroys you and set free yourself from hell, wouldn't you do it? Could you save someone else by making a sacrifice of yourself? Most freedom is found without violence. Yet sometimes... I'll save the metaphor and say that sometimes message may be far from complete. React positively, not negatively if you do not yet understand. There is only a battle if you see one. Do you see or start a fight where there is none? There really is no fight. Same as there is no mountain. There's only agreement. If you know who and what you are, then nothing should bother you. You should know it isn't about you. I know and it makes me smile with a bit sadness when people behave badly out of reaction and fear. Fear is in your mind. Read the article. Enjoy living, loving and breathing freely. kisses. m.

Article: Zukav, G. (Jan/Feb 2008) "I know a way out of hell" Ode, 1 (6), 60-61.

Contemplating Life

(12-15-09)

Jet-Setting. Seeing the World. Thrilling. New place every day. Extraordinary to some. Cheap thrills for others. Honestly what am I doing? Each and every day I’m reminded that I’m getting older. What kind of life is this? It isn’t where I thought I’d be at 31. Single Woman. No children. No man to speak of. On top of everything else; Professional Killer. Here I am contemplating life. Biological clock is ticking and there’s no way to turn it off. 

City to city. Day after day. Life out of a suitcase. Taking each and every job to make that magic number come to fruition. Unfulfilling. New York to London, Bangkok, Thailand, Tokyo, Moscow, Amsterdam, back to London. And don’t even get me started on the jobs in the states. Dreary and tacky people. At least in Paris they have a sense of style a ‘je ne sais quoi.’ 

There is no guidebook on killing. No one tells you how easy it is to kill a man and the danger of falling into a routine. Don’t get me wrong killing is single-handedly the most exhilarating experience I’ve ever known. But there comes a point when you start to think ‘There has to be more.’ I’ve haven’t had a vacation in 5 years. My life is a complete disconnect from everyone I know and love. Has to be more to life. Maybe I want more. I don’t fit in this puzzle anymore. Square peg in a round hole.

Where the fuck am I today? Some cheap hotel, down a back alley, through the back roads and corners of this city to find this job; my last one. This one, well on top of international fraud from five of the world’s deadliest and affluent men, he’s cheating on his wife. Here in this brothel, not a very nice one either. You know he’s loaded from all the stealing, and yet here he can’t even drop a dime on a nice place to… Well cut back to me sitting here, in this black lacy mess of lingerie, wasted lingerie. I can not believe where I am, waiting in this room in the dark for this man to emerge from the toilet so I can get this over with. Gun is hidden in my garter. Probably won’t even need it. This one is really gullible. I can hardly believe he’s the mastermind behind this level of fraud.

With a twist of my wrist his neck is snapped. I was right didn’t need the gun. Stupid pudgy middle aged man. His wallet is full of cash and three forms of fake identification. What a moron! One is actually his real identity. Who travels with real papers? Shit. Someone who is just a pawn in a bigger game. This idiot wasn’t the brains behind the operation. Simply a decoy. Worst turnabout would be that this isn’t my guy after all. Or is it? That would be the dumbest smart move I’d seen yet. Send in a sheep disguised as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Three IDs to lead anyone down the wrong path. Anyone trying to kill the obvious of the three would assume the worst, while the man behind the scam shows up to collect. Bigger fish means bigger reward and my permanent vacation. Downtime to appreciate the simple things that others take for granted. A home. Family. Children. One thing for sure, I wouldn’t be caught like this, being used as a pawn to steal while I engage in numerous betrayals against my loved ones.

Leaning against the window, I quietly enjoy one of Mr. Imposter’s fine cigars and a fine dark wine. This is nice. When the hell am I going to be able to do this for myself? Damn. 

A few minutes taken for selfish amusement interrupted when the corner of the alley reveals that my true instincts are on point. Enter Sergei Melanska. Fully clad in black his shadow emerges and heads toward the fire escape. Glad to see I wasn’t wrong. Sadly there’s comfort knowing my original mark was a mistake. No man that idiotic could have come up with this.But back to the larger illusion, my instructions were to leave hours ago; failure to comply would null the contract. Payment would be wired to an undisclosed account upon proof of death. However the risk is worth it. Double down. Killing Sergei would be eliminating the middle man. And it wouldn't be the first time I’d double crossed Sergei for money. Men can be so incredibly stupid sometimes. 

Two years ago Sergei had been something of a ladies man and I used that to my advantage. Manipulated him into bed so I could steal The Wycana Jewels for a client. No death required. Use ‘em and lose ‘em. Sergei was just another one night stand. Another unimportant man that I didn’t love along the way. To say it wasn’t fun at the time would be lying. The thrill of seducing a man always did have its rewards. But there should have been more. Unfortunately these types of men could never be more.

He never saw it coming. No big eyes. No surprise. Death upon entry. Between the eyes. Two down. One very cheap negligee. At least Sergei had more than enough cash on hand than the Fabulous Faux I was entertaining earlier. His bank accounts will provide me with security I need to walk away from the game. And yet Sergei’s contact information provides me with a little more info about his employer. From the looks of the financing it appears to be one of the five larger fish in the food chain. I may have caught myself a pretty big fish if that's what I wanted. Which even if it is what I wanted...

It's exactly what I don't need... another job. Another empty trip around the world that isn't enjoyed. Followed by another useless man in my bed. Establishing no real connections. Landing no where to call my home. This isn't what I was looking for at all. Yet somehow I’m still entertaining the thought of a bigger, grander illusion. But what am I thinking? Why not? Maybe there isn't more. Ah, but what if there is? There's only one way to find out.