Wish.

Happy 4th of July. It's been an interesting round this year. Instead of guns, bombs and explosions I thought why not give you a different idea of independence. You wouldn't trade your freedom for an illusion? I wouldn't. An illusion is like an invisible monster that you can only be free from when you decide to be. It is the stepping out that is the liberation. Be free. Freedom. Sweet. Ah... Freedom is so amazing. This is a right that so many people take for granted. It extends to everything that you are. In this life everyone chooses what binds them. In most cases it is a product of fear. The unknown is one of my favorite things. I can't imagine knowing what will truly happen next or what repercussions would come from that knowledge. Could you? As far as wishing your life was different... make changes and take everything else as you can change it. Authenticity is to live a life doing what you want, pursuing your dream and choosing to do so on your terms. It is letting nothing stop you or making excuses that tell you that you can not. It is giving into your true nature. To resist by making excuses or let yourself become consumed by anything else instead of pursing that goal that leads to in-authenticity. Enjoy the holiday. Live, love, breathe... Party? and be free. kisses. m.

Wish.

(3-31-10)

Wish. ‘Do you wish your life was different?’ Everyone does. That’s what I’d wanted too. Thinking that my existence was so completely flawed. That’s when it caught my attention. Those words reminding me what I wanted as I thumbed through the Lifestyle section of the Morning edition. The newspaper with its words reached out. The ad with the red block letters spread across the picture of a person lounging in a hammock above the words ‘SEIZE THE DAY’ and small type black below it ‘call 1-800-M8K-WISH’ speaking to my troubled mind and soul. Thinking without any doubt a life change could be so easily grasped. Hands gripping the black white and red feverishly as I dial out the unknown code.

Why couldn’t I be satisfied with the life I had? This seems to be the thought that troubles me day in and day out while I rot at the bottom of the darkened room. No window. No bed. Time passes without notice.

Eyes focus inward on the beautiful image. Imagination swims with possibility of the unknown. Ears listening to the beep beep beep of the buttons of the phone. Heart pounds with excitement for ANYTHING. You should hope and want for something. Not anything. Misdirected intentions are quite the distractions. Dial tone erupts into a ring. One. Two. Three. Warm voice picks up on the other end of the line. Bubbly. Happy. Talks for twenty minutes about how wonderful it is to speak with me. Asks about what is stopping me from completely my life’s goals. Acts like it is interested in my life. That voice doesn’t care. No matter what the voice says, it doesn’t care. You are another number. Next cattle in the line for slaughter just waiting for a knock to the skull. But you won’t realize until it’s too late.

A small slit in the door distributes food at preset intervals. No one to watch me eat off the floor. Hands scooping the soft globs amidst a sea of icy liquid from the soiled floor. Floor that is covered in my own filth that I can not see. Body has no sense of shame in the dark. This is what I chose.

Every day the voice calls. Please call back. And you do. Arranging money. Aspiring future plans. Once you pay then we can proceed. Earning. Paying. Week after week. Hopeful for the life in the crumpled newspaper ad. A life without a purpose because you wouldn’t choose for yourself. But it’s something to fill the nothing. Finally one day the voice tells you it’s time. Don’t pack a heavy bag. One change of clothes. You won’t need anything else. The life you want is waiting for you. 5 AM. Meet at the street corner of Ninth and Thereafter. Tell no one. When you get there, you’ll never want to come back.

If I truly had a choice I would never come back to this place. This deep dark hole.  A place with too many sounds and not enough light. A coldness that lives continually in my bones. Waking to incomplete memories. Pains that I can’t explain. A hostage to crazed lunatics. Caged animal waiting to be euthanized. A moment that never comes. Sitting in the dark wondering if my life that wasn’t different enough could ever be the same. Careful what you wish for… you might just get it.