Paralyzed.

Paralyzed. 
(5-18-2010)


I’m paralyzed. I’m a fucking amputee. He’s standing over me and saying ‘get up’ in the loudest voice I’ve ever heard him use. There’s no time for this but it’s too late. I can’t move.

As the sound of Brother’s voice slowly diminishes into silence, the sheer horror of my actions washes over me. And in an instant I’m spinning. Father, forgive me for I have sinned. Looking down into the open box and I can’t bring myself to the next reaction. Thoughts like ‘What have done’ and “Is this really happening” race through my brain. It’s like wanting to believe the last fifteen minutes never happened while staring at an object that proves they did. Recalling so vividly every single second as I relished in acquiring this prize. 

Feeling the force of violation so personally in my insides. A betrayal of convictions. Needing the satisfaction of a souvenir for the cause. A just cause. 

Brother Joey watches the doorway while I take action. The body’s restrained. Paralyzed with fear. Wide awake to experience every last moment. Most people are afraid to die and most importantly afraid to see it coming. I’m taking away that option. There’s simply no choice in the matter. Face the maker with your eyes wide open. 

The knife slicing in so very easily. Blood spilling so gently down the shoulder blade. Cartilage and bones snapping against my blade. Removing limbs one by one. Screams released. Sawing. Cutting. Paring my way down to a torso. Like carving an oversized turkey while it was still alive. Nerves jumping with release sending the body into overload. 

There was no easy way around this. Bloodshed never is. 

Neatly I began removing the loose chords from the tangled mess of jumping nerves. “Are you done yet?” Eagerly my accomplice has waited for my completion of out a general sense of uneasiness. Despite his refusal to physically assist, Brother Joey understood the convictions and experienced a sense of duty through this work.

Betrayed by my own desires. Annihilation through the will of a blameless cause. Irreversible. Now the act rests before me… in my hands. Face in a box. A desire to obliterate evil manifested into reality. Bloody stump continuing to look back at me. Reflex of misfiring motor neurons that remains. After the body has died the pieces that are pulled apart continue working as though nothing has changed. Miracle of life. Twitches of the fingers and spasms in the forearm. Eyes blinking. Mouth forcing words without meaning. “Laughing under cheese.” Is this how you wanted it to be? Questions of moral compass enter into thinking as the remaining energy of life becomes wasted. 

“People are coming. It’s time for mass.”

Panic sets in. Brother Joey spins around to bring revive my lifeless body. Arms reach under my arms and down to wrap around my waist. With a mighty heft there is nothing. Dead Weight.

Conflicting emotions trigger an involuntary paralysis. Mind tricking the body into believing something can not be done. 

Hands slap at my dead pan face to break the spell. Almost Catatonic. Shifting my eyes up. His mouth keeps moving. Words and breaths of hot air push against my face. Silence. These words do not penetrate my hearing. Only the last sounds of life escaping the mouth of death pierce through the still. “Slh-a-a-p-py. Hwacht. Ba-Na-NA. good.night.” Hands violently shaking at my shoulders. No effect. My arms continue to hold the box steadily. 

Watching the world pass by. Locked in a prison with my crime. Wanting so passionately to destroy for the righteous beliefs I held to heart. Never understanding the consequence of destruction upon my mind. 

“Sister Rose. We must return now. Please. Get UP!”




Have your actions betrayed your convictions? Paralyzed by your thoughts that aren't happening? I'm not. How about you? I know some of you are VERY much not afraid and nothing is what it seems to be. Kisses. And others are quite terrified cause everything feels like what it seems to be. That's ok. We are all afraid at some point but we must remember not to let it hinder us or our efforts to succeed. Even for moi I have my moments. On occasion lately I've felt a bit like an amputee who has had to continually sacrifice to keep going. I can't recall who said it but someone once mentioned to me "It can be like going through hell to get where you need to be. Are you up to it?" and sometimes I conjure that thought up to motivate myself. Of course I am frightened, as we all can be, but not enough to stop. I know as well as you should know... once you jump in you have to make the choice to swim or least tread water. Or you'll sink. And going back? You still have to swim. But if you go back to the beginning over and over how will you ever make progress in this life? Think about that. For now it seems unlikely I will give you another story thanks to lovely technology. Ha! It's a challenge. Love those. Something is coming and it isn't the end of the world darlings. It's the future, of course. Don't be afraid or focus on the unknown. Life will all work out even if its completely different than you might have thought. Enjoy it all. Life, love and breathing. I know I will. kisses. m.