The trouble is I always end up back where I started.

The trouble is I always end up back where I started.

The trouble is I always end up back where I started. Back at the beginning. Nowhere to turn. Lady lost in the unknown. They always say it’s the best place to be… at the start. Possibility. So much potential. Someone can really become anybody when they’re at the beginning. The problem with me is that I haven’t the slightest clue what I’m supposed to do next. Simply hoping that someone will give you directions isn’t enough. Unlike most men, I’m not afraid to ask for help when I’m clueless. But there really are no instructions for this sort of thing. Killing. As if having a beginner’s guide would do me any good. I’m no beginner and far from being a specialist. Yet I’m back to square one, wondering what the fuck do I do now?

Used to be the kill was all I’d think about. Consuming my every thought. Wondering whatever will come next as I’m currently amidst a new project. Continuing to think as I stand over this new and potential slaughter. With my hands quite dirty from the blood I begin tugging at the flesh around his neck. Manipulating my way around the back of his head, I lift and drag the soft tissue, so it becomes a handle. Unwillingly he accommodates my whims and moves without resistance. Fifteen artificial cuts across the chest and some rather excessive hair pulling has made him quite obedient. Without any further direction I began to question if this is how he’d wanted it. How would this bastard like to die? Laying there bound and bleeding on the floor. Looking up at me with no sense of hope. I begin to throw out the notions I’m wrestling with.

“So, not to make light of our predicament here, but is this how you pictured things going down? Feel free to answer. I’m not going to kill you. Well eventually… but not over this.”

“Not really,” spatters back the blood soaked mouth, “I’d always envisioned going out with a bang or really loving what I died for.”  

“Really? That’s fascinating. I’d always figured I go out in style. Never really questioned it much. So, let’s just pretend for a minute here… Suppose you had the chance to kill someone, how would you be doing it?” Reaching down I offer my victim a hand to sit up.

A he sits forward and gathers his bearings, his response is quite irritated. “Are you for real? That’s just fucking twisted you know. Besides I don’t want you to use it against me later.”

Quickly I spin around with an irritation. Frustrated with his answer but I understand where he’s coming from. It would be inconsiderate to use it against him. “Now, I promise I won’t do any of that sort of business. Tell me?”

“Alright. But remember no funny business. On the up and up?” Nodding I insist for him to continue. “First, like you, I would use a knife. That’s really a spectacular piece. Also I enjoyed the idea of slicing in. For me it would have to be a woman though. Tying the hands up before I start in. Removing any trace of womanhood from her body. Carving in her belly and along her thighs without restraint. Then…” I interrupt him without stopping.

“So, are you a cutter then? That’s marvelous! Would you like to see the knife?” I reach out and hand him the precise blade. “So tearing in… please continue?”

His blood soaked hands examine the tool of incision carefully. Tipping the point with little jabs into the air. “Are you sure? This must sound quite amateurish to someone like you.”

“No, not at all. I’m eager to get another perspective on things. Please continue…,” but he doesn’t quite start and I begin to get a devilish idea. “Hold on. Why don’t you show me? Walk me through it step by step. I insist. This would be refreshing.”

“Alright, only if you insist. But no funny business!” I nod again and he gets up. Grabbing the cord from the TV, he rips it out and slices it in two. Returning to my side, he motions for my hands. “Look, I really think…”

“Stop, this isn’t a problem. Continue…” He proceeds to tie up my hands, then moves down to my feet. “That’s a surprise you just said hands.”

“I know. It just came to me. So, let’s begin…” Systematically he slices in and out of my clothing until red has stained the fabric. I’m bleeding pretty heavily. Carefully with each advance he describes exactly what he’s going to do. Down to the smallest detail he is accurate. It continues until I’m nearly at the point of break…

“Ok. Enough. I get the picture clearly. Untie me now.”

“Oh, I’m sorry but we’ve just gotten started…”

Three in one day. Lots of interesting things come in that number don't they? Anyhow this is something I started a while back and pulled it together finally. Started with a little frustration about not knowing exactly what to do or rather what is being asked of me by the universe. Hopefully I can figure it out. Enjoy? kisses. m.