Something funny.

Something Funny.

“You are terrible at this! Why did you ever…? Nevermind! I can’t believe I agreed to give you a chance. More trouble than you are worth. But I owe your mom! Damn you kid!”

This is my uncle. He’s not happy with me right now. I’ve managed to screw up yet another assignment.

“YOU KILLED THE WRONG MAN!”

And I did. Sadly killing is not my fate in this life. Problem being that I come from a long line of professionals and this is not acceptable. My father was the best in the business. Bad seed of the tree you might say. This isn’t the first mistake either. I’ve only been doing this for a short time. Last week I dropped a piano on someone’s Chihuahua. Poor pet poochie. Little paws twitching beneath the pearly white keys of the baby grand. It was a simple hit. All I had to do was push out the piano at exactly 2:15 pm. Unfortunately I forgot to wind my watch that day. Two minutes later and FIFI LA RUE was a doggie pancake. A week before that I’d invested in the incorrect weapon. The type of gun needed was a bit more precise in targeting. Somehow a rogue bullet went through a semi parked next to my hit. Which wouldn’t normally be a problem, except the truck in question was a tanker full of fuel. That caused quite the explosion.

“Some rookie move kid,” says my uncle’s right hand man. “What the hell were you thinking?”

All I can do is shrug my shoulders. What do they expect? I’m only eighteen. There’s no guidebook on… actually my Uncle has a book. It’s a thin black wire bound notebook with specific instructions. Every assignment is logged down to the detail in that book. I guess I should have read it. Oh yeah, the other mistakes. Which one first? They get pretty ugly the further back you go. First time out the gate, literally out the gate, I ran over Cousin Marco’s foot and his gun misfired. He ended up blowing out two tires on the car before shooting his other foot. I was just supposed to move the car into the street that time.

“Rico!” another of the long line of right hands emerges, “I got something to tell you.” The first and second right hand walk away while my Uncle continues to pace. This isn’t where he sends me out. They never miss an opportunity to remind me of the implications of incorrectly handling business. Rico and the other hand walk back to my Uncle. They are both looking at me and seem amused. I’m guessing this is where it gets worse. Nothing could be worse than the truck full of manure. That’s not an incident I want to remember. Its probably the most embarrassing of my screw ups. Why? My Uncle was involved. There we were. Driving to another assignment. My Uncle was behind the wheel of his new Benz, showing me the finer points of mechanical excellence. Rico and Marco were following in the Benz alongside us. Apparently my only requirement ahead of the trip was to clear any traffic on our route. Reroute everything. Getting there and back without a hitch was mandatory. Somewhere along the suicide bend of Route 23, there a truck of manure directly in our path. There’s wasn’t enough time to switch lanes. The driver swerved quickly as Rico veered behind us. Nothing collided. Except a truck full of manure capsizing directly over the custom car. Dead stopped on the middle of the Route with half a ton of shit covering the car. I don’t believe I’ve ever heard anyone yell that loud in my entire life.

“Well I’ll be… Isn’t that something funny!” roars my Uncle from across the room. Slowly he makes an about face and walks towards me. “Kid, you have actually made my life easier for once. See the guy you bumped off, well he happens to be on next on Rico’s list. That’s something funny. Don’t you think? Especially seeing how you managed to drown him in a puddle of water.” Yeah I guess it’s funny. If hitting the handbrake in the van and backing into the guy is comical. He was knocked unconscious by the blow to the head and landed face down into a three inch pool of water. While I was busy trying to locate the address for the right guy he drowned. “Come on kid, its funny. Besides now you’re initiated! You’ve earned your keep! Let’s talk about…”

“My next assignment?”

“HaHa. Kid, let’s not get carried away.”

This is something short, playful and a bit funny? It is necessary to have a little fun in the mix as now and again. there's always time to laugh. and as someone reminds me... get back on the horse. This came out of some notes left over from my early out of work days. Re-writes? Wrong word. The things that were erased are now completely different in entirety except for that initial idea. On the same subject… sort of? Hope this is appreciated. Enjoy? kisses. m.