This will destroy you.

This will destroy you.

“This will destroy you.” While I was cleaning the gun I could hear Riley’s words from the other room. “Find another way. Please love.” Images of that moment haunt my memory. He was right. Revenge was never so simple or easy.

Revenge is something unhealthy that will eat away at your insides until there’s nothing left. Once it’s been satisfied you’d think that would be the end of it. Your unequivocal bloodlust and need for destruction have been satisfied but it’s not enough. He said it would change me if I succeeded. Promised me, No matter what happens it will never be the same. And with that sentiment I knew I wasn’t in it alone. Whatever may come he would stand by my side through it.

“Throw on your dancing shoes darling,” he tells me. Charming as it sounds I can’t seem to gather the strength to do it anymore. I can’t hear the music anymore. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. No music. No rhythm. No dancing. Not since it happened. The one thing between us that continues to eat away. Somehow he can block it out like it never happened. I’m not that strong. Every time I think about it my heart stops beating. On a stack of bibles I’ll swear if only it would stop. There should be a way to get off of this. Yet I can’t seem to find it. The memory is clear like it happened yesterday.

“How can you say you don’t deserve this?” Every single ounce of my being aches with the desire to tear this fucker apart. There’s no other way around this. I can’t help it. Desperately I want to take my time and enjoy the slow kill. But there’s no time. Silent alarm in the house has been triggered by my entry. It’s only a matter of time before the police arrive. Didn’t take long to find this bastard. Convincing him to cooperate wasn’t hard. After all I took out his sleeping partner first. She was the typical leggy six-foot tall sort of girl you’d find in his bed. Two bullets to the head woke him with a jump.

Standing there shaking and hating him, I couldn’t do it. Tears streaming down my face, my hands continue to tremble from the first blood. Despite all that he’d done to destroy my life I couldn’t summon the courage to pull the trigger. The abuse, the infidelity, and the theft. Up to that point Riley tried not to interfere except to talk me out of vengeance. When he took the gun out of my hand I knew there was safety again. There wasn’t time for my rationalizations. Although I’d psyched myself up, I wasn’t prepared to murder someone I once cared for. Riley knew. Wrapping his arms around me, he had no questions. The why’s or why not’s. Slowly he lets me go and walks over to the dumb fucker. The sniveling bastard is still crying for his life. Too late to be sorry. Riley slices a hole in his face and knocks him to his knees with a blow to the gut.

Sirens echo in the distance. Growing nearer and nearer with every second. “It won’t be long until sunrise,” Riley merely glances in my direction before continuing his slow calculating torture. With both hands he has wrapped his belt into a strangulation device and fit it securely around this assholes neck. Tighter and tighter he constricts it. One notch, two notches, then three until the pathetic creep is begging for mercy with his small voice. Riley gives him false hope by slackening the handmade noose. “We should get going now.” But he’s not listening to me anymore. With one hand on the belt and the other holding the knife, he braces his boot on the chest of the SOB for leverage before digging in.

Ten precise slices and there’s nothing but bloody pieces scattered across the room. The sounds of death ricochet off the empty walls. A few city blocks separate the arm of the law from this den of torture. Howling blares increase, warning of impending capture. “Be quick or we’ll get caught. Kill him! End this.” Riley comes back to the moment. With a reflex he snaps the neck and pulls his belt free. Before completely regaining composure he pulls the gun from his waistband and fires off two rounds as he exits the room. Relieved and stunned. One monster gone and perhaps I’d created another. Through my conflicting feelings I struggle to reach the door. Little did I know, killing was never the worst of it. A gaping expanse of death and we can never talk about it.

The ghosts of yesterday continue spinning around like a dance that holds no meaning. Laughing and moving through countless songs like the unguided melody of our union slowly degrading. The music holds no more sentiment than that of a broken piece of china. Out of time. Out of tune. The untimely ballad breaks down until there is not one semblance of harmony. The sound of discord plays on and I continue to hear it. No hope of escape. I can not dance anymore. Unlike him I can not find the rhythm in another song.

”You don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about. Let’s just shut up and dance.” Riley continues to skate around the obvious. Death will tear you apart. Killing someone will leave you open and hollow.  There are days when I love him so much, but I can’t bear to look him in the eye. All that reflects out is death. Brutal punishment stains his hands. No love. No trust. Only the memory that we killed this man out of spite. My hate. My malevolence. Not his. Never his. Love motivated those actions. And somehow I can’t get past the evil I unleashed. The phantom of vengeance haunts and destroys. Eating away at our very humanity. The chasm that spans between us widens deeper every day. It will never be the same.

This one has been living in notes for a while now. Two notebooks and a napkin have shared the weight. I wanted to... I needed a different take on vengeance. It's hard to explain. But that's where it came from. 'You killed it cause I wanted revenge.'

Weird week. I had to change gears in the middle of what I was planning to do. Remember how I wanted to get a TON of work done. Well that kind of went out the window Tuesday night. Granted I have gotten a lot done but not what I'd intended. And there's a whole ton of stuff on paper, but it's not finished. I'm not going to type a long thing about my process. So I started something Tuesday night that I'm eager to finish and quite nervous about at the same time. Which it's something lengthy and comes from a personal place. Been at it little by little this week, while bringing the others from paper to completion. Anyhow, I'm hoping it will be done by the weekend. Enjoy? kisses. m.